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A Straight Dope Classic from Cecil's storehouse of human knowledge
17-Aug-1979
Dear Cecil:
I have always wondered why Heinz ketchup bottles all say "57 varieties," even
though I have never seen but one type, whether it be on grocery shelves or in restaurants.
What gives? Where's the other 56 kinds? --R.B., Dallas
Cecil replies:
Fifty-seven varieties doesn't mean 57 varieties of ketchup, you dope, it means 57
varieties of food products in general. There are only three varieties of Heinz ketchup,
regular, hot, and low-sodium, but there are far more than 57 varieties of Heinz pickles,
Heinz sauces, Heinz soups, and Heinz God-knows-what-else. In fact, if you count everything
Heinz and all its divisions and subsidiaries make, there are something like 1,300
varieties, including 108 varieties of baby food, 60 kinds of pickles, and so on.
The number 57 has mystical significance to the Heinz company, but it has never had much to
do with reality. The slogan was invented by the company's founder, Henry J. Heinz, in 1892
while he was cruising around on the elevated in New York one day. Whilst reading the car
cards on the ceiling, his eye alighted on the slogan "21 styles of shoes." To
pedestrian minds such as our own, R.B., this probably does not sound like one of your
landmark advertising mottoes, but that's why we're not millionaire ketchup barons. Heinz,
on the other hand, could recognize genius when he saw it. Cogitating briefly, he soon
conceived the immortal words "57 varieties," whereupon he got off the train and
set about plastering the nation with the now-famous pickle-plus-number logo. The one
problem with this scheme was that at the time the company was manufacturing more than 60
varieties. However, Heinz stuck with 57, for what his biographer describes as "occult
reasons."
Heinz, as may already be evident, was something of a character. He started off bottling
horseradish in a little town near Pittsburgh in 1869 (ketchup did not arrive on the scene
until 1876). He made a major selling point of the fact that he put his product in clear
glass bottles, thus demonstrating that he did not adulterate his sauce with turnips or
other false vegetables, as his competitors did.
Once Heinz hit on the notion of "57 varieties," he constructed a number of
hideous advertising signs at various strategic locales around the country. One, which was
six stories high, was located at 23rd and 5th Avenue in New York City and dazzled tourists
with a 40-foot-long electrified pickle. Heinz also built an exhibition hall in Atlantic
City on a pier that extended 900 feet out into the ocean; another monstrous pickle, this
one 70 feet tall, perched heroically on the end.
After a few more demonstrations of this style of architecture, the citizenry became
alarmed lest Heinz encumber every landmark in the Republic with giant pickles. When a
rumor (unfounded, it appears) got out that he had purchased Lookout Mountain near
Chattanooga, Tennesee, in order to scrape off the side and sculp a pickle of unprecedented
proportions in the native granite, or whatever it is they have out there, there was a
general uproar, with one partisan threatening to pickle Heinz 57 ways if he tried it.
The Heinz people are still quite attached to the number 57. The phone number at corporate
headquarters in Pittsburgh is 237-5757, and the address is P.O. Box 57. One of their
salesman was a player for the Pittsburgh Steelers at one time, and you'll never guess what
his number was. It is enough to make you want to swear off ketchup forever.
OH, NO, IT'S THE ILLUMINATI!
Dear Cecil:
Thank you for the leg work. In case you're not aware, you've uncovered another Illuminati
agent in Henry J. Heinz. Let me expand briefly. The Illuminati are an extremely secret
sect, and have been among mankind practically from the beginning, originating, it is
believed, in the Lost Continent, Atlantis. Being a secret, powerful, occult sect, the
Illuminati gathered great mystical power from their use of the number 5. Five is an
extremely strong number, still used in the worship of Satan, the power of our military,
the logic of our digits, the points of our extremities, our senses, and a great many other
things rooted in our collective psyche. Also important, and perhaps more powerful, is the
combination of the numbers 2 and 3, equalling 5, of course. Two is the symbol for
symmetry, and three, the divinity and others. It is a blatant game that the Illuminati are
extremely fond of, flaunting their symbols to each other--the more bizarre the better, the
more flagrant the waste of money, the better yet. Keeping this in mind, think again of the
giant pickles, the man whose "mysterious" number is 57. (Remember, 7 is simply
the repeating 2 + 3 cycle, i.e., 2 + 3 = 5 + 2 = 7 + 3 = 10 or 5 x 2.) Now observe the
phone number--237-5757. Ergo, buying Heinz products finances the Illuminati. --Daniel K.,
Baltimore
P.S.: Notice how many letters in his first and last names.
Cecil replies:
Very shrewd, Dan, and just the sort of thing we expect from the sly inhabitants of your
native city. I should point out, by way of amplification, that by using the digits 2 and 3
in appropriate combinations you can generate every integer (including 1, if you allow
subtraction). Thus we learn that the very foundations of mathematics are mortally infected
with Illuminism. Man, those guys are everywhere.
--CECIL ADAMS
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