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Dear Cecil:
Could you please enlighten me as to the latest Straight Dope
on pharmones (sp?) and aphrodisiacs? --Your devoted reader, Robin
R., Glendale, California
PS: Please hurry, I need all the help I
can get.
Cecil replies:
For starters, it's "pheromones," not
"pharmones." Boys don't get intimate with girls who're illiterate,
you know. As for boosting what I take to be your somewhat dismal
romantic fortunes, don't get your hopes up. Research on human
pheromones (or, more specifically, sex attractants that work via
the sense of smell) is still in its infancy, but the results so far
have been mostly negative. Ditto for aphrodisiacs in general. But
let's take one thing at a time.
The existence of pheromones among
your lower forms of life, such as insects, monkeys, and weekly
newspaper editors, is well established. The female of the species
secretes a chemical known as a copulin (charming, huh?), which
instantly drives the male into a rutting frenzy.
Fatty acid
materials similar to those that make up monkey copulins have been
found in the vaginal secretions of human females, but no one has
been able to show that they perform a similar function. One
research team had volunteers sniff samples taken from women at
various points in the menstrual cycle, with a view toward rating
the relative pleasantness thereof. (No smart remarks, please.)
While there was a slight decrease in unpleasantness around the time
of ovulation, i.e., maximum fertility, the smell never exactly
qualified as attractive. Another team isolated the aforementioned
fatty acids and told various married female volunteers to dab a
little on their bodies every night to see whether it turned their
hubbies into howling beasts. Result: ixnay once again.
Still,
there is some evidence that pheromones do exist. You may recall
that Cecil wrote a while back about menstrual synchrony--the
tendency of women living in close quarters to menstruate at the
same time. Studies have shown that one dominant
woman can cause others to synchronize with her cycle as a result of
smelling her sweat. Furthermore, female volunteers exposed to male
sweat found their menstrual cycles, which previously had ranged
anywhere from 26 to 33 days in length, tended to stabilize at 29.5
days. These things surely mean something, but God knows what, and
they're certainly not going to snag you a man.
Nonetheless,
several cosmetics companies have come out with perfumes that
supposedly contain pheromones. The folks at Jovan, for instance,
have been kind enough to send me a sample of Andron, "the
pheromone-based cologne for men." Andron contains alpha
androstenol, an alleged pheromone made from tears and sweat. Having
daubed Andron liberally about my being, I am pleased to report that
I now sleep regularly with a beautiful woman. However, since this
is the same babe I have been sacking out with for several years
anyway, we must conclude either that androstenol is so powerful it
works three years in advance, or else that its efficacy
remains to be demonstrated.
Jovan's promotional literature sort
of dances around this point. But even if Andron does perform
exactly as advertised, it's important to note that all you're
getting for your money is something that the body supposedly
secretes naturally for free. Jovan, in other words, is selling
iceboxes to Eskimos.
Regarding other aphrodisiacs, the news is no
better. We'll talk about this more later, but here's a couple
things for the time being. First, no effective aphrodisiac has ever
been invented, although some think experiments with brain chemicals
may eventually prove fruitful (personally I wouldn't hold my
breath). Second, even if an aphrodisiac is discovered, the results
may not be exactly what you had in mind. I am reminded of the
following sexist joke:
Q: What's the difference between a dog and
a fox?
A: A six-pack. Disgusting, sure, but you see the problem you
face.
--CECIL ADAMS
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