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A Straight Dope Classic from Cecil's storehouse of human knowledge
10-Aug-1984
Dear Cecil:
I read a lot of my "junk mail" with interest, so I'm not trying to end it all.
But there are some junk mailers that really annoy me enough to make me want to make them
pay, and pay, and pay. What's the best way to do this? The easy way, of course, is to send
back their reply envelope ("no postage necessary if mailed in the United
States") with no signature, address, etc., which makes them pay the business reply
postage. But I keep wishing there was a better way. What if I stuff all the junk material
that came with the mailing into the reply envelope, so that it weighs more than will go
for the standard 20-cent rate? What if I enclose a sheet of scrap iron, or paste the
envelope cover onto a brick? Surely there must be a legal method to make some of these
villains think twice before they buy just any mailing list. --Winfield S., Chicago
Cecil replies:
Obviously, Winfield, you're a person who is consumed with cunning and wickedness. In
short, you are my kinda guy. Come on over sometime and I'll buy you a brew. Unfortunately,
your bricks-for-business scheme, admirable though it is in theory, won't work in practice.
According to rule 917.243(b) in the Domestic Mail Manual, when a business reply
card is "improperly used as a label"--e.g., when it's affixed to a brick--the
item so labeled may be treated as "waste." That means the post office can heave
it into the trash without further ado.
Once upon a time, they tell me, things were different. Years ago, it seems, postal
regulations required that all business reply mail be delivered, whether the cards were
affixed to bricks, 2x4s, or hand grenades. Furthermore, the recipient was required to pay
full first-class postage (a good buck, in the case of a brick) plus 18 cents handling per
piece. However, the direct-mail firms usually worked out a deal with the local postmaster
whereby unwanted building materials and whatnot (believe it or not, Win, you're not the
first person to think of this) somehow became "lost" (heh-heh), getting the
mailing firm off the hook.
The current regulation makes it unnecessary to resort to this subterfuge. But most people
don't realize the mailing firms won't get stuck with the tab, so a fair amount of oddball
junk still finds its way into the nation's mailboxes. The postal service regards this as a
major pain in the neck, and therefore I have been implored to convey to the Teeming
Millions the following message: putting bricks in the mail could bring American
civilization to its knees. (That's the impression I came away with, anyway.) Also you
might be charged with "abuse of the mails."
The postal service suggests the following course of action instead: write the offending
mailer and respectfully request that the SOB take you off his mailing list. If that
doesn't work, write to the Mail Preference Service of the Direct Marketing Association, 6
East 43rd St., New York NY 10017, and tell them you don't want to get any more unsolicited
(i.e., junk) mail. Every three months the DMA makes up a computer tape that they send
around to the major mailing-list companies with all the people who want their names
deleted. The drawbacks here are that you can't be selective, you can't do anything about
local small-time operators, and if you ever subscribe to another magazine in your life
(or, for that matter, buy anything through the mail), your name goes back into
circulation.
Incidentally, Win, of the 161,000 people who wrote to the DMA last year, 116,000 wanted
more junk mail. They were sent a booklet entitled "How To Get More Interesting
Mail" (as God is my witness, I am not making this up), which tells you various key
catalogs that you can send for to guarantee you'll be deluged with stuff. Just in case you
have a change of heart.
--CECIL ADAMS
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