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29-Apr-1994
Dear Cecil:
In McDonald's commercials, I can figure out that Mayor McCheese is
a cheeseburger and Hamburglar is a hamburger. But what the hell is
Grimace? --Nep Smith, Los Angeles
Dear Nep:
Where are the semioticians when we need them? According to
McDonald's spokesperson Jane Hulbert, Grimace is a "big fuzzy
purple fellow." Probably you figured this out for yourself. What
you want is detail. Too bad. Here's the complete McDonald's
personnel file on the guy: "Grimace personifies the child in everyone. . . .
He is Ronald [McDonald]'s special pal. Everyone loves
Grimace because of his innocent loving nature. He occasionally
causes trouble in McDonaldland because he is clumsy, but his
friends overlook this because he is so happy."
You are gagging, I expect. So am I. Jane Hulbert is . . . well, Jane
is doing her best to be professional about this, but it's a
struggle. Here's more: Hamburglar is a "fun-loving prankster." The
Happy Meal Guys are the "fun-loving personification of the
hamburger, soft drink, and fries that compose the Happy Meal."
CosMc is a "wacky fun-loving alien who came to McDonaldland from
outer space" and is "part vehicle and part creature." ("I can't
believe they pay me to read this," Jane muttered at this point, but
we promised we wouldn't tell the Kroc family.)
You can imagine the deliberations in the McDonald's promotion
department: "Jeez, we went a little overboard on the fun-loving
bit. I know, let's make our next character a nasty ill-tempered
malcontent! We'll call him Grimace! We'll make him purple!" No
doubt the higher-ups nixed the negatory personality, but the name
stuck. At least that's my theory. Prove it wrong.
One more thing: stop sniggering. Grimace may be a little weird, but
Ronald McDonald is a good guy, who visits sick kids and generally
makes the world a better place. More than most of us yuppie slime
ever do.
--CECIL ADAMS
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