I have a question to which I need an immediate reply, which I hope you publish, as others on the community may feel the need to know this information. Please list in order the most preferred ways to kill a vampire.
Illustration by Slug Signorino
I’ll admit I’ve heard some horror stories about crime in Baltimore, J., but vampires–land o’ Goshen, honey, things are really getting out of hand. Grab your pencil.
To kill a vampire it is first necessary to determine its ethnic origin. I regret that I cannot offer much useful information on how this might be accomplished, but I’m sure you’ll think of something.
Next, locate the vampire’s daytime whereabouts, i.e., its grave. My vampire manual recommends placing “a young lad who is innocent of girls,” such as Richard Simmons, atop a black virgin stallion, and leading the two through a likely graveyard. If the horse refuses to pass a certain grave, you’ve hit paydirt, so to speak. The telltale signs of a vampirous corpse are fluidity of the blood, lack of putrefaction, and flexibility of the limbs (we’re talking about corpses now, mind you).
Finally, administer treatment as prescribed below:
SPECIES – COUNTRY – APPROVED METHOD OF DISPOSAL
Sampiro – Albania – Stake through heart
Nachtzehrer – Bavaria – Place coin in mouth, decapitate with ax
Ogoljen – Bohemia – Bury at crossroads
Krvoijac – Bulgaria – Chain to grave with wild roses
Kathakano – Crete – Boil head in vinegar
Brukalaco – Greece – Cut off and burn head
Vampir – Hungary – Stake through heart, nail through temples
Dearg-dul – Ireland – Pile stones on grave
Vryolakas – Macedonia – Pour boiling oil on, drive nail through navel
Upier – Poland – Bury face downwards
Gierach – Prussia – Put poppy seeds in grave
Strigoiul – Rumania – Remove heart, cut in two; garlic in mouth, nail in head
Vlkoslak – Serbia – Cut off toes, drive nail through neck
Neuntoter – Saxony – Lemon in mouth
Vampiro – Spain – No known remedy
I realize the above will not be much use in the case of a Third World vampire, but you can’t have everything. Incidentally, we’ll have none of this “preferred ways” business. There’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything. Take some pride in your work.
Send questions to Cecil via email@example.com.