What’s the story with Otzi the gay caveman?

Cecil replies:

Nothing like a good cheeseball question to brighten up a dull day. The following report, which supposedly originated in a Boston weekly called In, was posted on computer bulletin boards last fall:

“Se non e vero, e ben trovato.” (“If it isn’t true, it’s a good story” — the headline, I assume.)

“Otztal Valley, Italy — The mainstream media reported widely on ‘Otzi,’ the 5,477-year-old Stone Age man found mummified in a melting glacier high in the Italian Tyrolean Alps. The U.S. media did not, however, share a gripping detail that was reported in Italy, Austria, Switzerland, and elsewhere: there was sperm in Otzi’s anal canal. ‘The Tyrolean scholars have not given this little detail any special significance,’ according to Lambda Nachrichten, the magazine of Homosexual Initiative Vienna, Austria’s leading gay organization, ‘but there can only be one explanation: Otzi had sex with another man in the Alps!

“‘The tight-assed Tyrolean scholars were uncomfortable even having to acknowledge it,’ Lambda said, ‘but Otzi is the first known homosexual man that enjoyed being [made a receptacle of lust]. … Otzi was the passive partner — of this there is absolutely no doubt. … The sperm was carbon dated.’ … According to the Zurick, Switzerland, newspaper Blick: ‘Since the homosexual innuendo has made the rounds, politicians in the North and South Tyrol regions suddenly have less interest in poor Otzi. And in Otztal they’re afraid they’re going to end up being called ‘Homo Valley.’”

The headline pretty much says it all. Other dubious details include Otzi’s absurdly exact age (what did they do, find his driver’s license?) and the fact that the initials of Homosexual Initiative Vienna are HIV. But the real problem is this: judging from the photos, Otzi has no anus. His entire crotch, including penis and testicles, is gone, presumably having been eaten by scavengers shortly after his demise.

The rumor isn’t a U.S. invention, though. Through the miracle of the Internet, hero of science Philipp Keller of Zurich, Switzerland, sent us a translation of a recent article in the German magazine Der Spiegel revealing that in Europe all manner of wild stories are swirling around Otzi. In addition to the semen rumor, German TV journalist Michael Heim claims in a new book that Otzi’s body is suspiciously well preserved and must be a fraud. A recent article in Nature doesn’t go that far but says there are many unanswered questions and criticizes the slow pace of research. And of course there’s the woman who’s writing a book saying she’s Otzi’s reincarnation.

Rumors have flourished largely because of the silence from the scientists investigating Otzi. Research was held up for over a year because of a dispute between Italy and Austria on ownership of the body. (It was found a few yards from the border.) That was resolved about three months ago, and examination of the body is now proceeding. But the 100 scientists from seven countries who are working on the project are contractually bound to secrecy — the University of Innsbruck, where the work is being conducted, wants to make sure it gets the money from the book and photo rights to defray research costs. An official account is supposed to hit the streets this fall. We can’t wait to hear what they really found in Otzi’s nether regions, what’s left of them. As one of Cecil’s screwball correspondents remarks, “What would be even more bizarre is if the semen is found to be, say, only two years old.”

Getting to the bottom, you should pardon the expression, of Otzi the gay caveman

Dear Cecil:

Enclosed please find an article I wrote last October for the Washington Blade that will give you the inside story on Otzi. I’m amused to see that an April Fool’s joke like this can survive for years.

— Aras van Hertum, Washington, D.C.

To quote from Aras’s story:

“In its April 1 issue, an Austrian gay magazine ran a story that said traces of semen had been found in the anus of a stone age man, whose well-preserved remains had been discovered in the Alps. He was, said the magazine, the ‘first known gay man who enjoyed being …'” — well, no need to be vulgar.

“The article was apparently an April Fools’ joke, but half a year later, the story continues to circulate among gays around the world as fact rather than fiction. … Only days after the Austrian gay magazine Lambda Nachrichten published its joke that scientists had attempted to cover up the discovery of semen traces in Otzi’s anal canal, the ‘story’ was picked up and published as fact by three daily newspapers in Europe–one in Switzerland and two in Austria….

“The Chicago-based Outlines News Service, which supplies a large number of U.S. and foreign gay papers with national and international gay news, published the story on September 2 after obtaining copies of the reports in the European dailies. Several subscribers … immediately ran the report…. After contacting Lambda Nachrichten and discovering the report had been an April Fool’s joke, Outlines on September 8 sent out a correction. But by then, the story of the ‘world’s first known bottom’ had left the pages of gay papers to assume a life of its own.”

Glad we could get that cleared up. Still, questions remain. Remember that Otzi’s otherwise intact corpse is missing its privy part. I can’t say more now, but don’t be surprised if you hear they’re checking around Otzi’s neighborhood for a 6,000-year-old Hoover Dustette.

Cecil Adams

Send questions to Cecil via cecil@straightdope.com.