How can I win one of those “call to win” contests on the radio?

Dear Cecil: Is there a special technique needed to win on any of those “call to win” contests offered by various radio stations? If so, what is it? Jeanne, Los Angeles

Cecil replies:

Thousands have already amassed wealth beyond their wildest imaginings by simply following the Cecil Adams foolproof phone-blitz method (patent pending). Three easy steps lead to success: (1) Call your friendly local telephone company service representative. Tell her that you want 25 new telephone lines installed in your apartment. Enjoy her expressions of shocked disbelief. Assure her of your sincerity. Send her money. (2) Buy 25 speed-dialer telephones and program the radio station’s phone number into each one. (3) Arrange your 25 brand new telephones around the kitchen table. Invite 25 friends over and arrange them around the 25 brand new telephones. Place your radio in the center of the table, tuned to your favorite schlock-rock station. Now, sit back and wait, tapping your toes to the perky acne-cream commercials as the excitement and suspense mounts to a fever pitch. (4) The moment the jock gives the vaguest intimation that a “call in” is imminent (listen for key phrases like “Wow! Looks like [insert name of hot artist du jour] is gonna have another _hit album_!”), you and your friends pounce on the telephones, punch the speed dial button–and instantly jam the switchboard! You can’t miss. Within weeks you’ll have the world’s largest collection of promotional T-shirts and CDs–the envy of teeny boppers everywhere!

Cecil Adams

Send questions to Cecil via cecil@straightdope.com.